If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that we’re big on snuggling in our house and that bedtime is quite ritualistic for the boys:  pj’s, brush teeth, story, lights out, prayers, song (or 2) and a snug.  Then sleepy-time.  I love this time of the day - even though it’s hectic - because there is time to connect with each kid, one-on-one.  And you never know what they might have to share.

Last night, my 4 -year old, hair-twirling, snuggler wrapped his little arms around me and kissed me on my upper arm (I had a t-shirt on).  He paused, kissed my upper arm again and said “Momma - is that what chubby’s called?”  pointing to my upper arm.

So, wanting to portray a positive body image, and self-identifying that - even though I carry a 20+lb toddler around and have been known to carry my 4-year old at (rare) times - does not give me pipes like Madonna’s, I smiled … and said to him “no, honey, that’s not chubby.  That’s mommy’s muscle on my arm called a bicep”.

He paused to give this answer thought for a minute.  Then my sweet boy leaned over and kissed my upper arm again … and said:

“Nope, I tink that’s chubby”.

My middle-boy is in JK.  He is quickly learning what is ok and not-ok within the institution of higher-learning.  He is an energetic, sweet, funny, caring boy … who  hit and kicked his buddy in the school ground yesterday, when they were playing.

I was not there - but here’s what I understand to have happened.  He and two other boys were playing CloneWars.  ASIDE: For those of you  not in the loop:  this is an animated show that has come from Star Wars origins, and, to say it’s huge in our house is a gross understatement.  It’s well written, exciting and we typically watch it as a family.  BUT it is violent (as in: there is a war, there are guns and light-sabres, good guys and bad guys).  And N loves it!  It is a part of his imaginary play every day.  And it’s not all violence.  There are good lessons taught in each show, and good fodder for discussion afterwards.

Ok - back to what happened.  Three boys playing, running, shooting, playing CloneWars.  They see their big brothers coming out of the school.  They run to those big brothers (and further away from their adults), they get into some sort of kafuffle, and N hits his buddy in the face and kicks him in the leg. I hear about all this when N gets home.

I could go into all the details - but I won’t.  This email is about “How do we handle this” … and trying to determine how big a deal it is.

Here’s what I think.  Three boys were running off end-of-the-schoolday steam and playing a make-believe game.  They are 4 and 5 years old.  Many research studies have been done to show that kids this age have very little cognitive ability to connect cause:effect and they are virtually and completely NOT able to separate fantasy from reality.  Really.  This is true.

The game got out of hand.  When I asked N why he hit his friend, he looked at me and said (very reasonably):  “Because he wouldn’t stop running.  We were CloneTroopers”.

First of all - as that parent whose child has hurt another child:  I’m mortified.  Embarassed.  Upset.  Concerned.  I feel all of this for his friend AND for my own child.  Is this the beginning of bullying behaviour?  Is my sweet, caring and sensitive boy suddenly going to become a terror in the playground?  How would I feel if I was the parent of the other child?

Then - I had to check all that at the door.  Yes.  I feel those things and that’s natural.

In the end - his intent was not malicious.  He’s not a violent kid by nature.  Truly, I believe that this game they were playing got out of hand.  And someone got hurt.  It could have been any of the three boys that got hurt - but it was my boy that did the hurting this time.

So what to do?  At this age (and for this boy) consequences are not particularly effective (remember - because that whole cause:effect piece is not wired yet in kids this age).

1. We talked to him - short sentences; clear message:  no hitting.  no kicking.
2. His Sensi (karate teacher) talked to him.
3. I’ve talked to the teacher and principal (I have suggested that *if* anything like this should happen again, he should get the full-meal-deal on punishment to scare the jeepers out of him and have a longlasting memory).
4. We remind him, just before play.
5. And we’re suggesting that either they no longer play CloneWars or that the CloneTroopers are peaceful guys who work together to help eachother out.

In the end, I hope that N is still allowed to play with his buddy.  I hope that the parents understand and are ok (sometimes the effects of these interactions last longer on us than the kids - and we apply adult-experienced judgements on kids - that kids don’t initially deserve).  I can only hope that I can be as gracious and forgiving as I’m hoping these parents will be, when it’s my kid that’s been hit in the playground.  Hope.