My 9-year old son is now playing competitive MD level hockey (yes, I still have mixed feelings about this - but that’s for another post / another day).

In town, since they started the season they are undefeated!  Wow.  That’s super-awesome …

However, they go to an away-tournament over the holidays and it all comes crashing down.  They go from undefeated to badly-defeated.  And, my son is one of the two goalies on this team.  (yikes to be the mom-of-the-goalie … again - another post / another day

I went into the dressing room after the game.  I’m thinking I’ll hug him and tell him all kids of wonderful mother-sentiments … he takes one look at me and says “I don’t want you in here.”

Hmmm … ok … ummm … that’s not what I was expecting at all.  So, in the time it takes me to

I can remember as a teenager, I made up long (long) lists of resolutions - things that I was going to do better in the coming year.

Then I went through a period of:  no resolutions.  Just live life.

Now I believe that a new year is definitely a chance to reflect on a few things:

• what’s working well
• what’s not working well (and may need some tweaking) and - most importantly -
• what am I thankful for

I typically pause at least daily, to be thankful for the many gifts in my life - not the least of which, of course, are my hubby, kids and the fact that I live in Canada (yes, I think this is a big one).

I actually made a resolution of sorts, last fall which is really *really* working for me.  I hug my kids all the time (and smooch their beautiful faces too) but I decided that when I hug them, I will no longer “let go” first.  You would be shockingly surprised at how long people will hug, if you don’t break-it-off first.

Try it out.  See if that’s working for you.  I bet it will.  And you’ll be happy you did.

My middle-boy is in JK.  He is quickly learning what is ok and not-ok within the institution of higher-learning.  He is an energetic, sweet, funny, caring boy … who  hit and kicked his buddy in the school ground yesterday, when they were playing.

I was not there - but here’s what I understand to have happened.  He and two other boys were playing CloneWars.  ASIDE: For those of you  not in the loop:  this is an animated show that has come from Star Wars origins, and, to say it’s huge in our house is a gross understatement.  It’s well written, exciting and we typically watch it as a family.  BUT it is violent (as in: there is a war, there are guns and light-sabres, good guys and bad guys).  And N loves it!  It is a part of his imaginary play every day.  And it’s not all violence.  There are good lessons taught in each show, and good fodder for discussion afterwards.

Ok - back to what happened.  Three boys playing, running, shooting, playing CloneWars.  They see their big brothers coming out of the school.  They run to those big brothers (and further away from their adults), they get into some sort of kafuffle, and N hits his buddy in the face and kicks him in the leg. I hear about all this when N gets home.

I could go into all the details - but I won’t.  This email is about “How do we handle this” … and trying to determine how big a deal it is.

Here’s what I think.  Three boys were running off end-of-the-schoolday steam and playing a make-believe game.  They are 4 and 5 years old.  Many research studies have been done to show that kids this age have very little cognitive ability to connect cause:effect and they are virtually and completely NOT able to separate fantasy from reality.  Really.  This is true.

The game got out of hand.  When I asked N why he hit his friend, he looked at me and said (very reasonably):  “Because he wouldn’t stop running.  We were CloneTroopers”.

First of all - as that parent whose child has hurt another child:  I’m mortified.  Embarassed.  Upset.  Concerned.  I feel all of this for his friend AND for my own child.  Is this the beginning of bullying behaviour?  Is my sweet, caring and sensitive boy suddenly going to become a terror in the playground?  How would I feel if I was the parent of the other child?

Then - I had to check all that at the door.  Yes.  I feel those things and that’s natural.

In the end - his intent was not malicious.  He’s not a violent kid by nature.  Truly, I believe that this game they were playing got out of hand.  And someone got hurt.  It could have been any of the three boys that got hurt - but it was my boy that did the hurting this time.

So what to do?  At this age (and for this boy) consequences are not particularly effective (remember - because that whole cause:effect piece is not wired yet in kids this age).

1. We talked to him - short sentences; clear message:  no hitting.  no kicking.
2. His Sensi (karate teacher) talked to him.
3. I’ve talked to the teacher and principal (I have suggested that *if* anything like this should happen again, he should get the full-meal-deal on punishment to scare the jeepers out of him and have a longlasting memory).
4. We remind him, just before play.
5. And we’re suggesting that either they no longer play CloneWars or that the CloneTroopers are peaceful guys who work together to help eachother out.

In the end, I hope that N is still allowed to play with his buddy.  I hope that the parents understand and are ok (sometimes the effects of these interactions last longer on us than the kids - and we apply adult-experienced judgements on kids - that kids don’t initially deserve).  I can only hope that I can be as gracious and forgiving as I’m hoping these parents will be, when it’s my kid that’s been hit in the playground.  Hope.

Brad Pitt was once quoted as saying: “Breakfast is my favourite time of day.  With all 6 kids at the table and everyone talking at once, it’s chaotic.  I like to just sit back and enjoy the chaos”.

Well - it turns out that Brad and Angelina likely have a good thing going there, with a family that eats together.

Maybe you would like to see a return to the “good old days”?  A simpler time.  A time without kids being programmed every single waking minute of their little lives.  A time when food was prepared … cooked even … in something other than the microwave or a takeout container.

Well, believe it or not, a recent study has shown that a return to these simpler times my not only boost your child’s brain development, but help them make smart choices about drugs, alcohol and smoking.  Impossible!! you say?  Not … says I (and an article in the Globe & Mail).

The number one thing that you can do to help your kids grow into self-assured, balanced, smart youth is to eat supper together.  Yes.  Really.  It’s that simple.

“Eating as a family can protect children from all sorts of harm, experts say the bonding and connectedness that comes with regular family meals may positively influence the brain development of kids”.

When was the last time your family ate together?  This is really important folks.  And something that requires a bit of organizing (gotta love that crock pot), commitment, and cooperation - but it IS possible.  One of our boys has now started competitive hockey [yes, I caved.  and yes, he made the team - but that's a blog for another day].  Last week he was out the door for hockey over our regular supper hour, SO, we ate supper as a family at 4:30.  Impossible?  No.  Worth it?  Definitely.

Sure our kids are getting tonnes of developmental opportunities to learn every sport known to humankind AND art classes AND music and, and, and … but what they really need is THEIR FAMILY.  My sister-in-law once told me that as long as you keep looking your kids in the eye when they talk to you, you’ll always know where they’re at (physically and psychologically).

Ok -maybe it can’t be every single night, but let’s commit to our future generation of parents, leaders, business people, caregivers … who are our KIDS TODAY - have supper together more often in the week, than not.  It’s been proven.  Everyone will benefit for it and in a big way.  They are worth it.

Chewing Over the Benefits of a Family Meal - Globe & Mail article

As we come into the Fall Season and September (September!!??) I am shocked at how fast time is going by.  I can remember in Mr. Helseth’s class in grade 6, how it felt as if it would take forever for the time to pass from 3:00 - 3:15 … and now, I blink and it’s not July - it’s September!

So, back to school it is.  A time of year with such promise - new teachers, new grade.  My middle boy starts school - the beginning of his academic career that will likely span at leas 18 years! (yikes).  He is bright and eager and ready to learn.  We do the best we can with matchmaking with our kids’ teachers and are involved with the school to help as much as we can.

My husband and I drop him off at his little JK class, video camera in hand and a tear in my eye (ok - like a few tears in my eyes).  It’s hard to believe this sweet little boy is big enough to go to school - BUT - he is.  And, like every little boy, so very attached to his mom, our parting at this monumental stage of his life was … well … easy.   He basically rolled his eyes at me with a soft smile (at my unshed tears welling up in my eye).  Gave me a big hug and was off, without scarcely a glance back.

He is so ready to be in school, make new friends, and discover new challenges.  I guess, as his mom, I have a little catching up to do - but I’ll get there - eventually.

As my hubby and I walk back and reminisce about the day he was born and all his mini-life major milestones, we are astonished at how fast this has all happened.  And yet, I know, we will blink and it will be Christmas.  The older we get, the faster it goes.

Only 104 more shopping days til Christmas (just in case you’re keeping track - you need to get busy!)

Have I mentioned lately that we live in a lovely neighbourhood?  Great neighbours.  Helpful.  Supportive.  We are even blessed enough to live literally around the corner from my best friend.

When I had my third baby - the neighbour-women got busy:  cooking, baking and walking - all in the effort of making sure that my family ate and that I had a break as they took one or more kids out of the house for some fresh air and exercise.

My one girlfriend  in particular is sensitive to the weight and responsibility of raising three boys.  Well - she’s the mother of three boys herself (though her boys aren’t tiny anymore.  They are a strapping and handsome bunch at 11.5, 15 and 17 years old).  She really understands the challenges of getting three children under the age of 8 to bed in an evening - by yourself (my hubby was at work).  She’s walked that mile in my shoes.  She is the source of parenting advice and one that I have listened to through all the years we’ve been friends.

However.

I now have a piece of advice to share with this girlfriend of mine — and to all those other well-meaning friends:  take heed to what I am about to say (with a smile on my face and just a smidge of an “I told you so” tone of voice) …

LET SLEEPING BABIES LIE … in their cribs … on their own … in the dark … when they are sleeping.

I know that when you pop over, it would be oh-so-nice to have that sweet-smelling baby snuggle.  Feel those chubby little arms around your neck.  All that good stuff - yes, I get it.  But - when the mommy says:  he’s sleeping … he’s sleeping!

Funny story because my girlfriend (oh - let’s for the sake of this story call her The Godmommy) … The Godmommy popped by for a visit, mere minutes after putting not one BUT three of my children to bed, by myself (no small feat - let me tell you!).  The Godmommy asked, with those big blue eyes and that sad, pouty face … “Oh really?  Can I just pop up and say goodnight?”

Well - let me take you to the Coles Notes ending … baby woke up to have a lovely snug with his Godmommy … baby did not go back to sleep.  Party baby fussed and fussed until The Godmommy had to go up and release baby from the confines of his terrible crib AND … party baby was up until 10:00 PM!  (yes, 10 PM). Well intentioned - yes.  But I can definitely milk this one for a very (very) long time

So, I can finally share some parenting advice with my dear and experienced friend and mother of three boys:  (please) Let Sleeping Babies Lie!

This past weekend my 8-year old son had three-months of work and energy come to fruition.  After seeing Craig Kielburger speak (Free the Children - see link below)  in early May, my boy decided he wanted to raise enough to build a well for a village in Kenya.  He made a lovely flyer that he delivered to all the neighbours advertising a street sale and that he was accepting donations.  He set the date, worked out some advertising (with parent help, of course) and made (many many) posters to direct likely yard-salers to our street.

He stuffed grab-bags, collected donations and coerced friends and family to bake, face-paint and generally support this endeavour.  At 6:45 in the morning I took his picture, proudly standing in front of many tables of stuff awaiting the start of the sale.  He looked over at me proudly and said “I’ve waited so long for this day”.

Wow - I looked at him with tears in my eyes.  Yes he had.  And worked hard.  And sacrificed (first round competitive hockey tryouts ended up being at exactly the same time as the Street Sale and so he missed them).

Later that night, with friends and family around for a neighbourhood bar-b-que he came over to me, quietly hugged me and said “This has been a great day”.  Indeed.

It’s impossible to know the long-term impact that social giving and global awareness will have on him, after organizing something like this.  He still has a ways to go to raise the money needed for a well.  But - he understands and can explain to you why it’s important for kids to have clean water.  And why we need to do what we can so that all children have a chance to drink clean water.

On a larger scale - as parents - let’s try to take some time to talk to our kids about all those other children who need.  I don’t think our kids need to hear about how “they have so much, and others have so little” - though it’s true.  We can, though, activate our kids to learn a bit about children in another country and what those kids need to be able to learn; to live; to be healthy. THEN - most children will want to do something.  Their wonderful minds and spirits tell them - we can do something about this.  We will do something about this.

And so, we adults in their lives, need to then help them to realize this vision of helping others.  However we can.  As often as possible.  There are lots of life lessons learned in planning a Street Sale that benefits other kids.  Why not take some time for your family to pick one thing that matters to you, and then make a plan to make a change.

MeToWe and Free the Children have great resources to help you along this journey.  As a family - you can work together, or let your child take the lead and support them.  Only good can come from this.  Do it today.

http://www.freethechildren.com/

http://metowe.com/

It really does.  I remember being struck by how much of an adjustment it was to have children.  Wonderful-yes.  But adjustment nonetheless.  Initially new parents cope by seeking out other people to help them (or, in a wonderful world, those people come offering to help … ).  This is the beginning of the village in raising your new baby (and helping you in the process, as a resident villager).

Many people over the years have commented on how very much boys in our community need their village to participate in raising them.  And the “village” doesn’t specifically have to do with the people living in your home or next door.  The village is really everyone who is actively involved in their lives.  And, of course, in this day-and-age, our definition of family is changing for the better as well - to include more than just blood-relatives.  It’s good friends, teachers, neighbours:  you know, those folks that are just like family only you’re not specifically related to them.

I will talk more about Villages in the future - but for today, I’d like to post this article on Grandparents.  How very important Grandparents are.  And you know what?  These can specifically be your parents / your partner’s parents, but it’s also those “older” folks that have a strong and positive relationship with your kids.  As an example, both of our sets of parents live out of town (and we miss them dearly, and wish they were closer … but that’s another day).

We have been truly blessed with friends (married, 55′ish and live nearby) who love our boys and are a wonderful grandparent-type to them.  They took them camping for the first time in their lives; hiking; throw them in the pool; and (most recently) were the arms outstretched when the baby took his very first steps (!!!).  Most importantly, they love them and hug them and let the boys know that they are special people in their world.  And yes - they teach them.

Enjoy the attached article and let me know what you think.

The Importance of Grandparents

One of the ongoing and interesting conversations between my dear husband and I, is whether or not our 8-year old son should play competitive-level sport.

“WHAT??…” you might say … “they have competitive level sports for kids that young?”

Oh yes they do!  And I have been pretty vocal (when asked) about saying that I think this is too young for kids to be labeled as playing ‘competitive sport’.  They have to try-out and be deemed “good enough” to make the team.  And then - hockey or baseball - they’re on the ice/diamond 4 times a week (!!).

They’re kids.  Shouldn’t they be off doing kid-stuff, like playing and riding their bikes and - well - playing?  Isn’t this putting a higher-than-needed level of competition and expectations on them, that is not only unfair and unnecessary but unhealthy?

Well - that was my opinion.  AND I’m sticking to it.  Well … mostly.

Here’s the dilemma.  We believe that kids and sports are a healthy combination.  Each of our boys plays one main sport / season and then in-between they get exposure to other sports and stuff.  So, for instance, our 8-year old plays hockey in the winter, baseball in the summer and the in-between season (spring) he played volleyball, through a great introductory PUC program.

Ok - so - we agree:  sport is good.  However, hubby and I disagree on the level of sport.  He thinks competitive is good for kids this age if they have the talent.  I think not so very good (please see above for reasons why).

This summer our boy played baseball - houseleague (even though we were asked a number of times if he wanted to tryout for competitive … he’d be really good in competitive … ).  I held to my guns.

In a conversation when talking to my dear hubby, I commented on how unhappy I was with the level and calibre of coaching our son is receiving this season.  And there you have it!~  Hubby very nicely pointed out that this is the key difference between HL and competitive.  That - and the number of times they play - which greatly increases their practice and exposure to skill-building of the sport.

So - what to do?  Hockey season is fast-approaching (yes, I know it’s only the end of July, but we’re going to blink and it will be October).  Allow him to try-out for competitive hockey and see if he makes it - and then live with the schedule - or keep him in HL and (as someone once said to me at my babyshower for said-son-to-be) “strive for mediocrity”.

What do you think?

Summer is here and with it comes the wonderful experience of summer camps!  Daycamp - that is.  I’m not quite ready for “away” camp for any of my boys.

So 4 and 8 years old … off they go on a big school bus to the YMCA camp.  I know they’ll be safe.  It’s well-run and the staff are fantastic.  And yet, as the mom watching these (still) little boys get on that gigantic bus - I’m unsure.  Have I put Nolan in a camp (for the experience and all that great stuff) when he’s still too young?  Will Owen enjoy the new friends and experiences or will he be bored or unsure?  Is there ever a time when (as the mom) I just feel confident about these kinds of choices - or will I always wonder (ok, and worry just a little).

After the first day - they didn’t want to go back.  After the second day they were up and ready to go, I dropped them at the bus.  Had my smooch and a snug and on the bus they get.  And there I am, standing outside waving like a maniac - and they’re like:  “Bye mom!  See you” … and not even one look back. So, I get in my car and I go to work.  Happy - and yet sad.  But mostly happy.

This is the way it’s supposed to be - it’s healthy, you know.  From an attachment standpoint, this shows they feel good about our connection and are confident in the love we share - to know it will last them all day and they’ll come home at supper ready to be filled up again.  They’re not clinging and crying and panicked.  Mission accomplished.  Whew.  And in my heart, I know I feel the same way … but boy, I still miss them and hope they’ll be ok.  I guess camp is a good experience for all of us.